Daily Laughter for Life

A 60-year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a bottle and said, "Take this bottle home and give me back a sample tomorrow."

On next day, the 60-year old man came back to doctor's office and gives him the bottle, which is as clean and empty.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that bottle open!"

The husband of my friend received Php 50,000.00 cash for injuries after a traffic accident. I asked her how badly injured does his husband had been in the accident. My friend replied, and says, “Ouch, He wasn’t injured but I had the presence of mind to kick his leg before the police arrived!

Letter to son from his Father at the PROVINCE

Dear son, I have already sent you the money for your needs at your school. I already sold all our cows, so study well… Have you already buy the INSTRUMENT “IPOD” you needed. Have you finished your project “COUNTER STRIKE” on which you always say to your letter that it’s a hard subject? Are you still going to “STARBUCKS” to complete your project? By the way, I also sold all our poultry……

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her face into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."
The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said.
"I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey."

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.

St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.

Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?"

St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan."

A man went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"

Why do women live longer than men ?